It was a little surreal walking back to the NICU today. When you enter the NICU you are supposed to wash your hands and there is a window right there peeking into a part of the NICU where Kaylee was for the past 16 days. Normally we look through the window to see what they are doing to Kaylee. This time it was all dark like no one was home. At first I was like “what the” and then it took me a couple of seconds to get my bearings straight and head over to the part of the pod where Cole and Paige are.

It’s great having their beds side by side. It’s official, Cole is a spaz. He constantly needs touch. Until today I’ve never touched him more than a little hand shake. I was able to put my hands around him for about an hour to calm him down. His nurse Diane loves him. She is all about touch with him and encourages it as much as possible. He was just extra cranky because they are trying to wean him off the pain meds. Paige on the other hand just likes to grab your finger and never let it go. She has a GI Joe kung fu grip. She had a new nurse on her who was commenting on how fidgety she was. Apparently this nurse has never met Cole. Cole now weighs 1 lb, 14 ounces. He’s only gained 4 ounces in 2 weeks. I’m not sure of Paige’s weight. I know they are feeding her 1 more cc a feeding than Cole. They are going to try to give him more cc’s per feeding soon. Most importantly today, I changed Cole’s diaper for the first time. For a little guy who really isn’t eating a lot, he sure pees and poops a lot. Takes after his mom
I guess.

We went to see Tobie’s doctor. She confirmed Tobie had Mastitis. Just another infection for good old Tobie. Her doctor immediately switched her antibiotics from her other infection. We are starting to surf the net to find out what other illnesses she can contract because up until now, if there was a possibility of it happening to her, it has.

An to answer Valeries question, a lactose consultant is a real job. Go figure.

We want to thank all the people who have emailed, phoned, and left comments about everything going on. Some of you we know, some of you we don’t. Thank you for putting us in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you for the dinners. Thank you for the flowers. Thank you for the cards. Thank you for the bed rest games. Thank you for pulling the weeds (Matt and Laurie have to get a special shout out for that one! Seriously, you guys are nuts for doing that, but I’m sad to say, the weeds are back and apparently there is more dog poop!). From the simple phone call to the quick email, every inquiry we have received was welcome. I don’t know what we would have done if this whole Internet thing wasn’t around and I wasn’t able to blog our life. We would actually have to talk to you all! ewww (and of course I would be out of a job since I’m a web programmer)! But seriously, thanks again.

Since I can remember I wanted a family. Not just a family but a big family. When we found out we were having triplets, words cannot describe how happy I felt inside. While I was always a little scared and cautious about the pregnancy, I was still beaming on the inside. I cannot imagine anything cooler than having 3 little tikes to look after. Tobie thought I was crazy when I said we weren’t done having kids. She was betting that once we had the trips, my tone would soon change. Having triplets, you need to be educated. It is a high risk pregnancy. We bought books. We scoured the internet for information. We found the best doctors on the planet to take care of us. We knew the risks. We honestly thought we were above those who came before us. We almost felt invincible because we were having such an easy pregnancy compared to others.

Then I got that call on December 19th. Tobie was on the phone and could barely spit out my name. I knew instantly something was seriously wrong. Her mom then confirmed my worst fears by saying I needed to get the hospital. I don’t think I ever broke down quicker after receiving that phone call. Those first few days in the hospital were terrifying. What was happening? How much trouble are we in? Can they help us? After about a week we came to grips with what was happening to us. While we never felt comfortable while at the hospital, we had a sense of understanding and acceptance. We once again thought we could beat the odds and last longer than anyone else before us. We did last a lot longer than any of the doctors thought we could. We gave our babies an extra 3 weeks in utero.

While many of the details about January 7th are hazy, I still remember the feeling of helplessness. I couldn’t remember a time I was that sad. I remember leaving Tobie that night knowing something just wasn’t right. Not that there was anything I could do to stop the labor, the feeling of helpless in that situation is so overwhelming. From the moment I arrived back at the hospital that morning, the emotions we went through were off the chart. Tobie was in so much pain. Her labor was getting worse. I still remember each contraction as she dug her nails into me for up to a minute at a time, 10 times an hour! I remember getting pissed because she was digging into my hand so hard. Of course I didn’t say anything because whatever pain I was feeling, it was far less than the pain was she in at that time. Then all the nurses and doctors started coming into our room, having us sign forms, start talking about the birth certificates, it made it all too clear that everything they were doing for us wasn’t working.

I had always imagined that the whole birthing process would be a joyous time. I was always sure I would be very emotional. Having our birth go down the way it did can only be dubbed as “extreme emotional”. I couldn’t control my sadness to save my life. All the doctors and nurses were so calm and then there is me babbling like a little boy. Was I over reacting? Were things going to be okay? It really didn’t matter, nothing could stop the tears. Then the babies started popping out. It was like I was in a living dream. There just couldn’t have been any way I was awake. The nurse brought me over to each baby and wanted me to touch them. It was so hard, the babies were so small, eyes closed, and no crying, except Tobie who for whatever reason was in so much pain. I remember telling the anesthesiologist to give her more drugs. Finally Tobie was doped up and didn’t look in agony anymore. I wish I could say the same for myself.

As each baby was transported to the NICU, I followed in tow. No family around. No Tobie. No friends. Just me. We had 3 new members of the family with me, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone. Having never been in the NICU before, that experience was a little overwhelming. We were scheduled for a visit the NICU but never made it there. So each baby is surrounded by a team of nurses and doctors trying to stabilize them. One minute they are there, the next they are all gone. The babies don’t look real at this point. It’s like I’m on some hidden camera TV show where they had the props department make these fake babies. It’s like being on Punked Non-Celebrity edition. The NICU has all these new sounds. Each bed has about 5 different alarms that can go off. There is a fever in the air. I’ve never seen so many nurses in one place.

The next day we see a billion doctors and nurses. The most important conversation is with the Neonatlogist. He tells us that our kids are doing pretty well given the circumstances. He is also very gloom in his prognosis. He said the chances that all of our kids make it out of the NICU without problems is slim to none. In fact most of stats he quotes us go like this: “1 out of 3 preemies develop this”. Now a new dread hangs over us. It’s one thing for us to be scared about Tobie while she was on bed rest, it’s another to be worried about your babies. Once again we thought we could beat this. We will be the family to bring home 3 healthy kids. In fact our kids were huge given their age. They have to be tougher than the other kids out there. They just have to be.

Again, after already going though so much, you would think it would be impossible for someone to tell us something that would turn our stomachs. Once again we were wrong. Words cannot describe how tough it was to hear the doctors give us the results of our first head scans. Both Paige and Cole had brain bleeds. Seriously, if you could have asked me before this pregnancy what my greatest fear was, it would be everything we have been living since being admitted to the hospital. I couldn’t imagine anything worse. On the bright side we have Kaylee our all-star. Her scans came back perfect. We honestly didn’t worry about her that much. Our thoughts were more with Cole and Paige. We didn’t know that much about brain bleeds. We talked to doctors and read up on them. It’s scary. We were preparing for the worst for one or both of them. The results of the next scan once again rocked our world in a way I would have never thought possible. Paige and Cole were doing fine and now Kaylee has developed the worst grade brain bleed possible. What was going on with all this? How is this possible? They had to get the scans mixed up. They must have been looking at one of the other kids. Nope, the doctor double checked everything because it was a surprise to them as well.

After all the events we had just gone though, keeping your emotions in check is very difficult. You feel guilty if you are happy. If you are sad, you feel guilty you aren’t sadder. If you don’t think about the babies, you once again feel guilty. Being a rock it has made this whole experience uber difficult. My body wasn’t trained for emotions like this. If I’m having a rough time, Tobie is having a tougher time. Being pregnant and having babies is supposed to be the best time of our lives. It’s the complete opposite for us. It just isn’t fair. But then again life isn’t fair. It’s all about tests. Everyday is a test. You pass or you fail and at the end of your life you hoped you passed a lot more days than you fail because that will mean you have had a pretty good life. If we can get though this, what on earth could phase us in the future? I don’t know of anyone personally that has had to deal with something so life altering. Up until now, I’ve only heard about other people’s stories of tragedy. While I could sympathize with them, I never truly understood what it was like to have tragedy or loss. It really is an emotion you have to experience first hand to understand. All of the sudden, movies and TV shows take on a whole new meaning when dealing with tough emotional subjects. I get it now. I wish I didn’t, but I do.

Paige and Cole seem to be recovering well from their surgery. They are still playing around with Cole’s ventilator. They are almost off the blood pressure medication they had to give them because of the surgery. I’m not sure when they will get off the pain meds. The results of today’s head scans were good. Nobody has gotten worse. We still aren’t sure what damage Kaylee has suffered. We are going to meet with a Neuro-Surgeon tommorrow to talk about it. It’s one of those things we won’t know how bad it is without lots of time to monitor her. We do know it’s bad, now it’s just a question of what really is affected by the bleeding.

Paige finally got her central line in today. I guess 4 times the charm. We had the best of the best of nurses get her all hooked up. She was sedated heavily when we saw her. She’s resting comfortably now.

The babies had their cardio and head scan follow-ups today. The news isn’t so good. Kaylee’s PDA closed. Paige’s didn’t and they are going to operate tomorrow. It’s a relatively simple surgery, but scary nonetheless. Cole’s PDA is still open, but they are going to wait and see what happens with it. Chances are he’ll need the same surgery as his sister. The PDA surgery involves them making a small cut near the rib cage and spreading their ribs. They then do some things with the lungs and finally put a metal clip on the PDA which will close it. That clip will be in them the rest of their lives.

Paige’s head scan was much better than before. Her bleeding lightened up and she definitely improved. Cole’s head scan was about the same. That is the best we could hope for. The bad news is Kaylee. She prevously didn’t have a brain bleed but she developed a level 4 brain bleed this week. It’s just one of those things that can happen to a preemie in the first 7 days of life. The prognosis isn’t good. The bleed is probably going to get worse. We’ll keep you posted on her, but after talking to the doctors, we are preparing for the worst. The neurologist is going to get involved and we are going to do a follow-up scan on Thursday when we will know how she is really progressing. It’s hard to know all this. Kaylee was the first of the trips to open her eyes today. Her eyes are blue, just like her old man’s! (actually, we’ve been told all babiesa eyes are blue this early in life, doh!).