One year has past since the death of our daughter. I wish I had something profound to write, I don’t. I wish I could say she experienced a full life, I can’t. I wish I could talk about her openly, I won’t. I wish I could say time heals all wounds, it doesn’t. I wish I could see her name and not feel pain, I can’t. I wish I could say I knew my daughter, I didn’t.
The reality of the situation is our daughter only lived for the smallest blip of time. 17 days. 17 painful, heart retching days. Who could predict that 17 days would be a lifetime for her? I have no video of her. I only have a few blurry pictures of her. How do I not have more pictures of my daughter??? How does one get to know their child in only 17 days? I feel cheated, angry, robbed, pissed. No parent should have to figure out if they should bury or cremate their child. What kind of decision is that? How do I tell them she’s in this little metal box in our family room? How can they understand when I can’t? Do we celebrate her birth? Her death? How do I tell her siblings that they have a sister who is dead? It’s one year later and it’s just as confusing today as it was then. The first day I ever held her in my arms turned out to be the last day of her life. The first time I ever looked into her eyes and hers back into mine, was with her last breathes. It’s just so wrong and twisted. I have a lot more to say, just not the strength to write, so instead I’ll leave you with one of the few stories I have about our daughter.
Related Posts:Even though we were in the hospital on bed rest for almost a month and could have delivered at any moment, we hadn’t finalized all the babies’ names. Cole was definitely going to be Cole. Paige was definitely going to be Paige. But what about that 3rd little bun in the oven. What was baby C going to be named? We had 2 names picked out for her, and to be honest, I can’t remember the other name anymore (how weird is that?). I remember when it looked like we were definitely going to deliver that morning, I was supposed to fill out all the paperwork about the babies (times 3). Note to hospital: When your wife is in active, painful, unplanned labor for the past 8 hours, at 24 weeks gestation with triplets, and the husband has only slept a few hours in the past 2 days, let’s do the paperwork after the delivery. Okay? I ended up putting “Baby C” where it said “baby name” on each of the thousand forms that I filled out.
So we ended up delivering at 24 weeks via emergency c-section and all the babies were put in isolets and whisked off to the NICU. Dear daughter was the first of the babies I was able to visit in the NICU post op. The nurse practitioner asked me her name. I’m standing there like someone just dropped an anvil on my head. I didn’t have an answer. I didn’t want to give her the wrong name. If I gave her the wrong name, I will never be able to live that one down. What was the name Tobie liked most? What would Tobie do here? The card on the isolet said “Baby C”. The NP said Baby C is not a good name for our child. I agreed, but just looked blankly back at her. The NP was super awesome and kept saying how beautiful our child was (you could tell this wasn’t her first 24 week delivery). She ended up writing “Sweet Pea” on her name plate instead of “Baby C” and told me we could take all the time needed to give the official name. In retrospect, we had already decided her name was going to be Kaylee Taylor days before, I just for some reason couldn’t remember it was a done deal already. Sweet Pea. It has a nice ring to it.
Kaylee Taylor , you will always be our little Sweet Pea.
Posted in: About
I started to write something that I thought with meaningful… but it wasn’t.
Dear Tobie and Eric, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that you were robbed of so many opportunities to spend with Kaylee. I’m so sorry that you’re in so much pain. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I remember your first comment on our blog, Eric… and I do believe that it was our losses which drew our families so close so quickly.
And I wonder into the future, how Paige and Cole will incorporate Kaylee into their lives. How will they choose to celebrate and honor her? I look to my own girls, and I know that years down the road, they will help me through this. They will develop their own traditions and rituals and understandings, and I only wish it were sooner so that I could learn from them now rather than have to wait.
Tobie and Eric:
Losing a child is painfully unfair, and no one should have to experience it. I think your Little Swet Pea knows how much she is loved and missed.
I wish I could say the “right” thing, but there is no “right” thing to say. Instead I will tell you there is much love out there for your family, Kaylee too.
Thinking of you,
Sarah
Ah, the questions with no answers. (if I had a goatee I’d stroke it in a vain attempt to appear wise).
I feel that it will be how we search for the answers that will be important. After all, it is the journey, not the destination that is important (in most cases). When our 4 kids wind up old enough to ask us these same questions, I want to be able to frame the situation to them so they can find the courage & strength to answer the questions themselves. That will be their journey, and I will be there to guide them.
How very sad…
Tobie and Eric,
As usual, I always feel that my words are so inadequate, so I’ll just say that Im thinking of you guys.
Shannon
Tob & Eric,
I unfortuanetly have no words either. But I can say this to all of you. I love you & I am praying for you.
~Gina
i can’t help but think that the new baby boy in your belly was sent to you from your little sweet pea!
(((((hugs))))) on a very difficult day.
I try and tell my girls that they have an Angel brother that watches over them. I always talk to my girls about their brother Tyler.
It helps. Before you know it, you will be telling Paige and Cole all about their Little Sweet Pea sister. I know that nothing really ever takes that pain away…but, it does get a bit easier after time. Remember her, Love her and you will always have her with you.
Sending you warm thoughts and hugs today….
*hugs*
Remembering your little sweet pea today and everyday……..thoughts and prayers to you and your family.
Like Sarah, I wish I could say the right thing. I wish I could give you some comfort, a virtual hug, even a shoulder to help the grief even if just for a moment.
Maybe not today, or tomorrow or next year, someday this will not sting so much and you be able to remember and smile. As P&C grow up, remind them that they have their own personal guardian angel who’s name they know.
Our thoughts are with you today.
Kristin, Presleigh & Rachel.
Dear Eric and Tobie, It’s funny that I call people I love Sweet Pea. I know now that Kaylee is in my group. I too, will always remember her and love her. Love, Aunt Sharyn
I’m glad that you were at least able to get some pictures Eric; you’ll always have that. Thank you for sharing her memory with us all.
Joe, Liz, and Katherine
My thoughts are with you both today. You are very strong, loving parents. P&C have the greatest most beautiful angel ever watching over them!
~Jennifer S.
My prayers are with your family today.
(((HUGS)))
My eyes are filled with tears for your sweet, innocent little Sweet Pea. I have no idea why this happened to you and your family. It’s so unfair. But I think Kaylee is up there keeping watch over her siblings. She is their guardian angel.
God Bless you guys.
It’s just so unfair. Thinking of you and your family.
Stephanie
There really are no words that can make this right for any of us who have lost our babies. We send hugs and hopes that you guys are doing okay.
Dear Eric and Tobie, I started keeping up with your family when I was 18 weeks pregnant with my triplets. It was at that time I was told we were loosing all three. Laying in my hospital bed I often thought about you and especially about Kaylee. It’s amazing how just 17 days of life can have such an impact. She gave me determination at a time when I felt like giving up. I want you to know that your little Sweet Pea helped me make it to my first goal of 24 weeks and finally to deliver at 30 weeks. Thank you and thank Kaylee.
Our family is lifting you up in prayer. God bless.
Your questions and feelings are similar to our losing baby Eli - celebrating his siblings and then grieving his loss - such an emotional rollercoaster that cannot be described in words…surreal. Prayers and hugs are with you today.
I too lost one of my twin after three days.I totally agree with you that time doesn’t heal everything.They say you have to have happy thoughts during your pregnancy. May be Kaylee is coming back to give all the happiness you were robbed off.
Cheers,
Agila